Saturday, December 19, 2009

My Bubble: Self-Forgiveness Is The Way

Long chats with Jane since the revelation of her husband's adultery had stirred up loads of emotion during these past years. It's frustrating that most of the time, Jane placed the blame on herself ... "Why had I not seen the tell-tale signs" ... "Why was I so blind?" ... "Why didn't I follow my instinct?" ... WHY WHY WHY?

In conclusion, if our husband cheats on us, is it really our fault alone? Are we to be blamed? I don't want to sound insensitive, but I guess there is no straight YES or NO to these 2 questions. Many circumstances and reasons lie beneath that may not be privileged to us to make any judgement.

Although I cannot yet comprehend my devastation if I were to ever discover that my hubby had been adulterous and as I do not have any magic formula to ease her pain, I can only support and encourage her to move on ... first and foremost, to learn to forgive herself. Unfortunately, Jane does not concur with me as she continually flips between a highly positive outlook and an extremely low-down depression.

I believe blame and responsibility are two different things. Taking the blame is self-destructive as she punishes herself. Accepting responsibility would mean that she has grasped the understanding of why things happened the way it happened. Accepting responsibility would be healing as she comes to term that the past cannot be changed, that what is done is done and wishing otherwise will not fix anything. That’s why it is important for her to accept responsibility before she is able to feel compassion towards herself and forgive herself ... then, the hurt becomes smaller and less defining.

Forgiveness is hard and true forgiveness can only come from oneself. I know healing takes time but till now, I am sad that she is still making herself a victim of her husband's weakness. How can I shake her out from her bottled self-punishment that's driving her in the wrong direction ... towards emotional devastation that's creating hurt and revenge in her.

A marriage is a partnership that is supposed to be based on trust and unconditional love. So if the trust is broken, does that mean that the love should just disappear? Should hate be allowed to replace love so easily? It has been a hard and bumpy road for her, but I certainly hope that divorce doesn't come as an automatic answer to end her marriage ... not for her sake.



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2 Bubbles:

It takes 2 hands to clap. In my view, it's unfair for your friend to put all the blame on herself.

I liked your interpretation of BLAME vs RESPONSIBILITY, Wenny. It's a very matured way of thinking.

Both sides are RESPONSIBLE, but it doesn't mean they should be BLAMED.

Blaming is a very destructive exercise. It makes people depressed, and finger pointing only makes the other party more defensive.

I guess the lesson to learn is the importance of honest feedback, and mever to take each other for granted. It's not always easy, but with the proper mindset, it can be done.

I wished your friend all the best.

Thanks Shingo-T for your well wishes and comments. I know she'll be reading your comments and realise that it is time to move on ... with or without her husband.

To continue blaming herself would only mean that she's still living in the past. Like me, she knows well how the law of attraction works but maybe her mind's willing but her heart is not.

It's hard to see her suffer but I hope she will soon see the light at the end of the tunnel by reading the comments and advices received here, just like yours.