Thursday, December 17, 2009

My Bubble: From Love To Hate ...

Jane is my closest and dearest friend on earth ... of course, only next to my dear old hubby, Ray. We have known each other practically our whole life since we grew up together from the days at our old neighbourhood in Muar, Johore. We have seen each other through the happier and the rough times of our lives.

Although Jane does not share my enthusiasm in blogging, we share a mutual interest and believe in the universal Law of Attraction. With due respect for her privacy, I did seek her prior approval before I put up this post. With or without any prior awareness in the universal law, I guess both of us have been blessed with a relatively good life ... a comfortable career, supportive husband and surprisingly we both have only 2 teenage sons between us.

Sadly, one day things did change. It was on Valentine's Day 2007 when I received a frantic call from Jane. She was wailing over the phone and I could hardly make out what she was trying to say except for the most audible sentence, "he cheated ... you hear me, he cheated!"

I was tongue-tied as she repeated over and over again until reality sunk in for me. Oh my God, how could this happened? Her husband had cheated on her? The man that she adored for almost 20 years, the father to her son? As far as I know, she worshipped the ground he walked on!

Well, her husband apologised, she forgave him and they moved away ... presumably to seek a new setting to start over. That was then and many things have changed since. It's been 2 years now and we kept in touch as much as we could ... each time still sensing her depression from the betrayal. I truly admire her efforts, trying to stay strong and move on but is it so easy to forgive and just forget as if the whole thing did not happen? I don't know if I could.

Last night, I had a jolt when she told me she's considering a divorce ... after all her son's all grown up now and mature enough to understand the whole situation ... there's no one to worry about anymore.

Why why why? I repeated selfishly.

According to Jane, eventhough the affair has been over since, the other woman still comes between them. Although her husband tries hard to redeem himself ... she felt that their relationship has become so superficial. Everything they do together reminds her of what he had done with that woman ... in her own words, even during sex, a recall of the affair could be an instantaneous turnoff! Jane says, the love for the man she had vowed to honour and respect, to cherish and obey all these years seemed to have gradually turn into hate within such a short span.

Is it possible for love to turn into hate? Are we capable of hating the man we had loved so dearly for so many years? I really don't know ... she must be confused but it is surely making me think really hard and examining my own feelings for my hubby. I shudder at the thought of me suffering a same fate!

Since she has not yet discussed her decision with both her husband and son, I begged her to reconsider ... to think it over and not be hasty. I just don't know how else to advise her but I know I will have to respect whatever decision she makes at the end.


5 Bubbles:

I can relate to that. I think worshipping a person is not good. After all, he's still human and has flaws. That's why his betrayal hurt so much, because it shattered the image of him she created, a false image. I think she doesn't hate him, she's disappointed and sees him as just an ordinary man, a cheater. She probably heard about cheating husbands of her friend's in the past and always thought: My husband is so perfect. Well, he's not.

And now I hardly see a solution other than divorce. I don't know. You just can't force two people to stay together and be unhappy. Maybe divorcing, taking some time off, can help and maybe they can find a way back together.

It's scary how a 20-year marriage can just break up just like that.

I'm not taking sides, but I really feel for your friend, Jane.

Whatever decision she finally decide on, hope the kids can live with it without any bad stigma towards marriage.

Hey Guys, appreciate your comments on this. I find this matter very sensitive and scary. When I think of her situation, it makes me worry about my own marriage.

How can a man claim to love his wife dearly and yet can still bring himself to share intimacy with another woman?

I don't think all men cheat on their wives. Why does some men stay faithful and others, like Jane's husband cannot?

Wenny I really feel for your friend Jane. It's easy to give advice but to face a situation where a house of faith nurtured for 20yrs suddenly fall into pieces is hard to cope.
We are all humans and we make mistakes and sin. But before taking such major decision of divorce,my humble suggestions is a holistic healing session for Jane and her husband (if possible) because such pain and sorrow remain for life time and even make future life hazardous. Those healing help to release all pain and resentment and bring back the charm of life.
I pray that God bless Jane a very happy and peaceful life in whatever decision she takes.

Hi there, AlwaysWinner. Thank you for your kind words.

Every time I had my chats with Jane, it is frustrating sometimes when she starts to crawl into her depress shell and refuse to entertain further advice.

I do agree with your advice and hope that I can at some point show her onto the appropriate direction.